Monday, January 28, 2013

Mommy-Baby Food Wars

As Seen in New York Family Magazine:

Twas the night of our first feeding and all through the apartment
The kitchen was stirring and baby had not one hint
The high chair was placed at the table with care
With a vinyl plastic cloth placed under there…

Dream: I open my mouth for my first bites of food and gobble them down enthusiastically. I open wide for more. “This rice cereal is fantastic!” I exclaim with a high-pitched squeal and sparkling smile. I grab the spoon from Mommy’s hand and begin to self-feed effortlessly and efficiently. I continue on this flawless feeding path with new food that’s introduced every few days. As each food stage progresses, so does my ability to feed myself with a fork and spoon. My table manners are given the seal of approval by Miss Manners, too. Yup, this baby loves everything she eats and makes parenting a breeze at mealtime.

Reality: What’s this mushy, gushy poor excuse for food? You want me to eat that? I don’t think so.

As I close my mouth super tightly while refusing to take another bite, I vigorously shake my head from side to side saying “no!” the only way I know how to. Although a couple of bites have landed in my mouth and may have made the trip down to my tummy, most of the food is: 1) on the floor, 2) finger painted on the highchair, 3) in puppy’s tummy (puppy is always asking for food so must be hungry!), 4) on yours truly, or 5) all over Mommy. It looks as if we redecorated with splatter paint Jackson Pollock style. (I learned about him from my Touch the Art books, thank you very much.) I must say, the rice cereal adds a design element that this apartment sorely needed.

Mommy keeps smiling while trying to feed me the same disgusting bite of food. Does she really think that if the spoon choo choos like a train, flies like a plane, or if my teddy bear feeds me, it changes how nasty the food tastes? I open wide once or twice to egg her on just to see what else she can come up with. She’s not the only one who can play these games.
This is absurd. I can feed myself. So I take the spoon from Mommy and wave it in the air triumphantly. Oops. As I swing the piece of stolen cutlery I toss most of the stuff that was on it. Darn. Well there’s still some stuck in the curve of the spoon. I can totally pick it out with my nails that I don’t let Mommy clip. Touching it with my fingers is way better than eating it anyway. I can feel the textures without having to taste it. I can also swirl it all around on my high chair tray, rub it through my hair, and massage it all over my face. It’s just like getting a facial. Or so I hear.

While enjoying my facial, Mommy tries to recover the spoon and but I distract her by tossing the bowl in her direction instead. The rogue bowl hits her in the face. She grimaces and says “ouch.” It’s hilarious! I burst out laughing. It makes Mommy laugh, too. Mission accomplished.

Mommy somehow manages to get the spoon back and refills it. I try one big bite. Yum. This is great. I chew and swallow, chew and swallow. What did she do? Lace it with my Mum-Mums? Banana, Mommy says. Banana makes the cereal better. Mommy gives me a piece of banana without cereal, too. It tastes even better without the cereal! This eating thing isn’t so bad after all.

I wonder if everything else that Mommy and Daddy eat tastes as good as bananas. I cannot wait to find out. And between us, I hear that NYC has some fine dining so I plan to try every star chef’s bananas. Watch out NYC restaurant scene…here I come!

Monday, January 14, 2013

Food Fight

Eating is like an adventure in fun
I play and throw my food on everyone
First it was cereal then potato
Next it was green beans and then tomato
I liked it all but made a big fat mess
From my hands to feet; from my head to chest.
I tried avocado-- it was a bust
Oatmeal’s a yummy in tummy must
Not so sure about these green kiwi yet
But yellow bananas are a sure bet.
Vegetable, fruit, or grain is a fun game
But to me some things just all taste the same.
I submerge my ten fingers in it all
I squeal as I spread it and have a ball.
My bib is covered in food residue;
My body is covered all in it too.
To the tub I go when the meal is complete
A bath is also for my high chair seat
I wonder how much is in my tummy
And how much more food will be yummy?
This is all so new this learning to eat
I haven’t a clue; but it’s a good treat.
I look like a natural disaster
And in the end I fill Mom with laughter
We love each meal time and its aftermath
When baby and kitchen all get a bath!

Monday, January 7, 2013

How Baby Elle Belle Spent Her Very First New Year’s Eve

As seen in New York Family magazine:

In our family, here’s what the typical dream sequence looks like: It’s my very first New Year’s Eve and a balmy 70 degrees in New York City. Mommy decides to break all the rules and keep me up until midnight. At 11pm we effortlessly hail a cab to Times Square, flying through the traffic-free city streets. We arrive at the square and gasp at the boisterous crowds, but a nice policeman who has a soft spot for babies pushes us to the very front. I rub noses with Ryan Seacrest, countdown with everyone while watching the magical crystal ball drop, and ring in 2013 in style. Happy New Year, everyone!

And here’s the reality: It’s only 3pm but Mommy says it’s time to go celebrate New Year’s Eve. I don’t really understand why this night is so special, but I’m excited to hit the town. Mommy says it’s the last day of 2012—the most special year since I was born in it. And we’re getting dressed to the nines tonight. I am not even one yet so I’m not so sure how I can dress like nine, but I’m rolling with it.

Like a living doll, I wear my winter white dress with balls of snow scattered down the skirt and pretty tights with gold embellished Mary Janes. If I do say so myself, I look like quite the snow princess. As a finishing touch, Mommy puts on my purple fur coat (faux of course!) since it’s a mind-numbing 30 degrees. Here I go! Ready to be the belle of the ball.

I start giggling because I see Daddy take out the Baby Bjorn. Not exactly a limousine, but I’ll make it a stylish ride anyway. Naturally, everyone smiles and says how gorgeous I am as we walk up the street. My eyes glimmer back as I charm them with my flashy four-tooth smile. Let the party begin!

We enter the restaurant and there are balloons everywhere, covering the entire ceiling with strings hanging almost low enough for me to reach. I work very hard to grab them and get so excited that I pee my pants. Please don’t tell anyone? All the cool babies pee their pants anyhow. Feeling lighter and brighter, I’m able to grab myself a bright balloon. Score!

The balloon and I are now inseparable. Next, we arrive at the table and get seated. I take the most special throne perched at the top of the table called the high chair (for her royal highness of course), and I play with my balloon like it’s 1999. I bounce it around, eat the string, and even cuddle with it. Soon, I’m given a special drink with an extra cool flex straw. Mommy already gave me my sippy cup, so now I am double fisting—yea! I drink like a fish but try to pace myself for the long night ahead.

As I look around I notice the other kids wearing hats and tiaras. I reach out to grab the hat off the kiddo next to me. Score! But he starts crying (what a crybaby) and Mommy takes it away from me. So I start crying, too. Before I know it, a grown-up wearing a light up hat (it looks ridiculous on her) gives me two hats to wear. Now this party is getting started.

After digging into a Daddy-sized bowl of pasta, I notice two other big girls dancing and twirling up a storm, so I bounce along with them and everyone starts dancing and smiling like it’s their job. I wish I could dance and twirl like that. That will be one of my New Year’s resolutions!

Pondering my resolutions, I didn’t even see my favorite boyfriend walk in. There he is, looking super handsome in his shirt and bowtie. He waves hello and I smile bashfully in return. Our mommies start chatting and he tries to sneak me a kiss but Daddy sees. Oh goodness. How embarrassing! He had his mouth open so big. Or did he just want some of my pasta? To take away from the attention I start bouncing my balloon and throwing pasta noodles with abandon. This usually does the trick. Everyone looks at me and luckily, they laugh and say what a fun, happy baby I am.

Just as everyone is enjoying my Oscar-worthy performance, another grown-up in a silly hat announces that it’s time to count down to the New Year. I’m just a baby, but even I can tell it’s nowhere close to midnight. I go along with it since everyone else is counting along, but he has it all wrong…the crowd is counting backwards! I don’t even have time to correct them all because suddenly confetti flies everywhere, everyone cheers, and kisses are passed around like pacifiers. Through the confetti, I see Mommy and Daddy kiss, too. Gross! I start to gag but they come at me for a smooch, one on each cheek, and it tickles so I giggle.

Before I know it we’re heading out the door. I wave goodbye to all my new friends better than Miss America on a parade float. Daddy pimps my ride by tying the balloon to the Baby Bjorn and we’re home faster than the ball drops.

What a night of excitement like never before,
With dancing, balloons, and so much more!
And to tell you the truth, I can already tell,
2013 is the year of Baby Elle Belle!

Happy New Year!

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

The Battle Of Nap Versus Shower

As seen in New York Family magazine:

I always visit once a day
But things tend to get in the way
You make me feel as good as new
Washing off spit and residue
You wake me up and I feel clean
Ready now to care for my bean…

In our family, here’s what the typical dream sequence looks like: It’s a chilly winter afternoon and I’m just about ready for my afternoon nap. After a drink of milk and a rock in Mommy’s arms, I immediately fall asleep and stay asleep for two hours—uninterrupted. I dream of milk, milk as white as snow, and my loving family. Mommy takes a long, leisurely shower, cooks up a gourmet meal, and then watches Shark Tank while I sleep blissfully in my crib.

And here’s the reality: On a freezing cold January afternoon, Mommy puts me down for my nap. Suddenly, I hear her jump in the shower. I know this because the bathroom shares a wall with my room and I know that happy sound of running water. Hey, I love bathtime as much as any other baby. I just know that Mommy is in there with the monitor on because: 1) she doesn’t trust me, and 2) she doesn’t think I know about this whole baby cam thing. (It all goes back to the time when I tried to climb out of the crib…but that’s a whole other story). I’m already awake from my nap. Who needs two-hours to sleep the afternoon away?
Suddenly, the shower is off. But still no Mommy! Time to cry.

Bang biscuit! Crying gets Mommy in the room. I get a big hug and she says something about it still being naptime, but no lift out of the crib. The door closes. Time to kick my feet on the headboard.


I’m not being subtle either. I wait five minutes. Still nothing.

This stinks. I don’t even get a toy or blanket in here to comfort me (not until I’m one, Mommy says) because of SIDs—whoever that is.

Sigh. Is naptime over yet? This is so boring. Time to start crying again!

Mommy can surely see me in the monitor, standing and screaming in my cage…I mean crib. There is so much to learn and explore and I simply cannot waste more time napping! Doesn’t she understand what I need? I sit up to protest but she still doesn’t come get me. She seems to think all moms should have a bit of time to shower, get dressed, eat, and relax. Ha! Hasn’t she been paying attention when she reads Five Minutes’ Peace to me?

And she actually thinks that all her mom friends have babies who nap while they shower every day, but my baby pals told me what’s up. They don’t really nap well—their moms just won’t admit it. That’s the way we babies are. Don’t they get it?

Hurrah! Puppy pushes the door into my room to check on me. He runs in and barks, telling me that I upset Mommy and that she thinks she’s doing something wrong. Why is she always so silly like that? Sometimes, even I don’t know what I want or need. I can’t be solved like some Rubik’s Cube. Speaking of puzzles, did I just poop my diaper? Oh no! Now I really need Mommy’s time and attention!

After what seems like an eternity, she comes to rescue me. At this point I am drowning in my own tears, sitting in poop, and gasping for breath from this lung exercise. Luckily, she gives me a big hug and kiss, changes my diaper, and cuddles me close.

It feels so cuddly and warm in Mommy’s arms that I finally fall asleep. Maybe I did need a nap after all.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Under the Tree

All around the house I go
I hear a loud Ho Ho Ho
I get great presents and toys
Like the good girls and the boys
Some are big; others are small
Bought online or at the mall
Or made up in the North Pole
By Elves on the assembly roll
Some are tall; others are wide
All bigger than me in size
I must have been very good
Since Santa’s here in my hood
Delivering gifts to me here
Most wonderful time of year!